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So.. I had two family occasions to attend to today..
Did I like them?
I have to admit I only enjoyed the one, and honestly they weren't really my family.. they were my step-family. Which I have known most of my life.. but anyways..
I am writing this because I know that one day I will have a family of my own.. but currently I feel like I am not really apart of any family.
I don't have a child of my own, to love me and wants my attention and asks me stupid and silly questions multiple times a day, and for me to play with and treat them with geeky things.
Issue one.
Right now I am not going to be a mum. I know I am not going to be one for a very long time.. and I understand that. Honestly I am not ready to be a mum, personally probably because of my mental state.. and money and everything.. Don't know how my body will even react and take it..
So technically it really isn't an issue of some sorts..
Issue two.
My brother and I will never have a sibling relationship... we have had our problems growing up.. and now that we are both adults, I feel like things should be getting better right? Wrong things haven't been getting better at all.
There is no way things will get better in that category.
Tonight I was trying to be the "big sister"? Figure I guess.. if the baby was crying I wanted to hold them and make sure they were okay.. Though my step nephew was really sick. Which is very understandable cause my step-sister didn't want me to get sick, so I kinda stayed away from him for a little while.
SO! At my grandparents place, I was visiting because my uncle was down, and I was playing with my cousins daughter, and things were awesome!! She thought I was an alien from outerspace at first I think, but after she got to know me, things were good, she laughed, she cuddled me, cried because I took her sucker thing away because I wanted to give her a cookie. It was a good time..
Then my brother showed up.
He talked and talked and talked, and I swear one day he is going to marry his girlfriend, and then he talked bout baby fever, and can't wait to get out of college, and blah blah blah.. At this time I wasn't paying attention to him anyways.
What my issue is.. what my anxiety was getting at me..
Am I going to be in the wedding party?
Am I actually going to be an Aunt?
Is he going to neglect my Dad as a Grandfather?
Is he going to pick favourites in the family to choose from?
Anyways this was everything that was going through my head when I was trying NOT to listen to his rediculous blubbering.
I know I am not my families favourite.. no one really wants to see me as much as they do him.. I don't have an interesting life as Andrew does.. and honestly I shouldn't let this bother me.. but it does.
I am starting to not give a shit about my family anymore. On my Mums side, and my Dads side.. I only care about the family that means the most to me. I tried to keep in touch with my cousins, but apparently I am just not that type of person I guess..
I want to say I guess I am not that interesting.. but I know I am a very interesting person.
These were just thoughts I wanted to get out of my head.
-Bio
Did I like them?
I have to admit I only enjoyed the one, and honestly they weren't really my family.. they were my step-family. Which I have known most of my life.. but anyways..
I am writing this because I know that one day I will have a family of my own.. but currently I feel like I am not really apart of any family.
I don't have a child of my own, to love me and wants my attention and asks me stupid and silly questions multiple times a day, and for me to play with and treat them with geeky things.
Issue one.
Right now I am not going to be a mum. I know I am not going to be one for a very long time.. and I understand that. Honestly I am not ready to be a mum, personally probably because of my mental state.. and money and everything.. Don't know how my body will even react and take it..
So technically it really isn't an issue of some sorts..
Issue two.
My brother and I will never have a sibling relationship... we have had our problems growing up.. and now that we are both adults, I feel like things should be getting better right? Wrong things haven't been getting better at all.
There is no way things will get better in that category.
Tonight I was trying to be the "big sister"? Figure I guess.. if the baby was crying I wanted to hold them and make sure they were okay.. Though my step nephew was really sick. Which is very understandable cause my step-sister didn't want me to get sick, so I kinda stayed away from him for a little while.
SO! At my grandparents place, I was visiting because my uncle was down, and I was playing with my cousins daughter, and things were awesome!! She thought I was an alien from outerspace at first I think, but after she got to know me, things were good, she laughed, she cuddled me, cried because I took her sucker thing away because I wanted to give her a cookie. It was a good time..
Then my brother showed up.
He talked and talked and talked, and I swear one day he is going to marry his girlfriend, and then he talked bout baby fever, and can't wait to get out of college, and blah blah blah.. At this time I wasn't paying attention to him anyways.
What my issue is.. what my anxiety was getting at me..
Am I going to be in the wedding party?
Am I actually going to be an Aunt?
Is he going to neglect my Dad as a Grandfather?
Is he going to pick favourites in the family to choose from?
Anyways this was everything that was going through my head when I was trying NOT to listen to his rediculous blubbering.
I know I am not my families favourite.. no one really wants to see me as much as they do him.. I don't have an interesting life as Andrew does.. and honestly I shouldn't let this bother me.. but it does.
I am starting to not give a shit about my family anymore. On my Mums side, and my Dads side.. I only care about the family that means the most to me. I tried to keep in touch with my cousins, but apparently I am just not that type of person I guess..
I want to say I guess I am not that interesting.. but I know I am a very interesting person.
These were just thoughts I wanted to get out of my head.
-Bio
Tough Love
Its about 204 in the morning here where I am writing this.
Not a lot of people know this about me but I am in a relationship, I can't remember if this is something I have said in my last journal. Then again I can't really talk about it because this is something that I normally keep to myself.. but this is getting to the point where I am getting upset and unhappy again. I don't know why this is happening to me because I don't know what I am doing that is so wrong.
Why was I driven home at 2 in the morning from my boyfriends house.
Why was I such a mess in the car all the way home?
Why can't I just have a decent night at his house without
Just Things... I Guess
Have you ever just wanted to someone's one and only? Have you ever felt like you can be someone's last love? Someone's first romance? Or maybe I got that the other way around, you want to be a boys last romance and you want to be they're first love? I can't remember the saying.. but I am pretty sure it goes something like that.
People don't know what I have been going through over these past few months, with being in and out of relationships.. watching my so called "Love" fall for someone else and I am sitting here wondering just is there anything going to happen to me? Well honestly something has happened to me, but my only problem is
Life goes on anyways, if things should change...
Hey guys.. I know I haven't been posting things lately.. and there is a reason. Theres nothing really I can post. I don't really know what to say anymore, because I feel like there isn't really alot TO say..
This time though I have some things and I don't know if I can keep this in anymore, but oh well.
I have been having high anxiety attacks since Thursday.. and I don't know when they will go away. I had one at work today and I was sick to my stomach and I just couldn't handle everything that was going on.. I want to constantly cry and what not because I want to succeed in my job but I feel like I am being pushed down and its not nice. I h
Friends
There are some times when I want to think about the friends I have.. and then there are some days that I think about the friends I use to have.
There are issues I would love to bring up again and just get them off my chest but there are other days that I just can't think of the words to say.
I have been getting a busier life and I have been getting deeper into my work and my personal life but right now I just don't really know what to do.
I would love to just sit back and watch the world pass by, but I can't. I have to indulge myself and be apart of something that I know will never be as easy as its suppose to be?
Anyways.
I have made
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Comments1
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You are very interesting. Just cause your family can't see if doesn't mean it isn't there