Its about 204 in the morning here where I am writing this.
Not a lot of people know this about me but I am in a relationship, I can't remember if this is something I have said in my last journal. Then again I can't really talk about it because this is something that I normally keep to myself.. but this is getting to the point where I am getting upset and unhappy again. I don't know why this is happening to me because I don't know what I am doing that is so wrong.
Why was I driven home at 2 in the morning from my boyfriends house.
Why was I such a mess in the car all the way home?
Why can't I just have a decent night at his house without having any problems..
I just don't know anymore.
I have all these emotions in me, these thoughts that I just want answers too.. My list can go on forever but there are thoughts that I just can never seem to get out of my head and I bring them up to my boyfriend all the time.
- Why does someone want to be with me?
- How can someone love someone like me?
- Whats so special about me?
- What are expectations that you want me to say and full fill?
- Why can't I get someone to love me long enough to marry?
- Who would want to marry me?
- I am never going to get married, because no one will love me long enough.
- Will I ever have a family of my own?
- Why doesn't anyone buy me anything?
- Why can't people see that I am much more than a girl.
Like I said my list can go on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on..
It all started today when I told my boyfriend that I was moving out, I am super excited that this is happening to me that I am moving out on my own and I am getting my own room in a house. I am going to be living with 6 other room mates but that doesn't bother me so much anymore. I don't care if I have to share a kitchen and I have to share a bathroom. There are three bathrooms in the house and what not.
The point was I am finally getting out of my house and into something that could really work for me and that I have a chance to move on in life and can finally live and go out on my own, and the only person I worry about is me and myself.
I should be happy right?
Correct, I SHOULD be happy, but the moment I told my boyfriend I started to get upset about certain things and thats when my night started to go down the drain and nothing was going to get better.
WE ate something, that didn't even help, I took my meds, and then I watched a few episodes of supernatural, then we went to bed. This had to be around 11.
I started talking to him about expectations and what not, and things were alright for the beginning I believe, not like there was any problems to really talk about.. then I started to get upset about a few things.
Like how I just wanted to be held tight because I was upset, how maybe my expectations were too high and too unrealistic.
How I was ranting about how my stepdad would bring home my mother flowers, to show a sign of respect and affection, and honestly true love I guess. I was telling my boyfriend that nothing has happened to me like that in a long long time and instead of expecting that from someone I rather just do it for myself and that was the reasons I got 5 roses tattooed on my back so no matter where I go I will always have flowers. The same year that my roses were tattooed on me, was the year I got my very first roses for Valentines Day.. Then with my ex I got flowers when I came back from Cuba, and roses again for Valentines Day...
Then I started to think that they were all special occasions, never once did someone want to buy me something just because. So all of that started piling up with me, things that started to bother me again. I honestly don't know why this is all happening to me, because I just want my life to be full of happiness and joy. Will that ever happen to me? Maybe one day, maybe I already have it and just don't know it.
I have to stop thinking about negative things in my life and start thinking about all the positive. I remember complaining on the car ride back to my house that I was so upset about the fact that I have a promise ring, but I can't wear it. I can't show it off to people, so how am I suppose to show people that I am happy, or that I am taken. That I am someone's and not something to hit on, or just stare at because everyone thinks I am single still. No one knows that life decided for me to fall in love again, because life happens.
No one knows that I have been really happy since July. for 4 months people think I have been single, well life, I am not single, I am taken. I remember complaining in the car ride home that I feel like things are a secret, like I am secret, that my ring is just a secret I keep hidden around my neck.
That's when my boyfriend turned to me and pretty much with a raised voice told me... "Cause I don't want to share you with ANYONE!"
I really didn't know he felt that about me. I guess I don't know a lot anymore.
Thinking this is getting to the point in time where I need to sit down with him and just talk about life. Just talk about us and hopefully see where things go. I don't know where there going to end up. I hate the fact that we had to leave each alone tonight when I remember begging him that I wanted to stay and that I didn't want to go. He was saying that it was hurting him as well that he had to drive me home so late at night.
Then again, he did admit he was going to be crying on the way home.
I really hope he is okay.
I Love him, I really do.