So.. I had two family occasions to attend to today..
Did I like them?
I have to admit I only enjoyed the one, and honestly they weren't really my family.. they were my step-family. Which I have known most of my life.. but anyways..
I am writing this because I know that one day I will have a family of my own.. but currently I feel like I am not really apart of any family.
I don't have a child of my own, to love me and wants my attention and asks me stupid and silly questions multiple times a day, and for me to play with and treat them with geeky things.
Right now I am not going to be a mum. I know I am not going to be one for a very long time.. and I understand that. Honestly I am not ready to be a mum, personally probably because of my mental state.. and money and everything.. Don't know how my body will even react and take it..
So technically it really isn't an issue of some sorts..
My brother and I will never have a sibling relationship... we have had our problems growing up.. and now that we are both adults, I feel like things should be getting better right? Wrong things haven't been getting better at all.
There is no way things will get better in that category.
Tonight I was trying to be the "big sister"? Figure I guess.. if the baby was crying I wanted to hold them and make sure they were okay.. Though my step nephew was really sick. Which is very understandable cause my step-sister didn't want me to get sick, so I kinda stayed away from him for a little while.
SO! At my grandparents place, I was visiting because my uncle was down, and I was playing with my cousins daughter, and things were awesome!! She thought I was an alien from outerspace at first I think, but after she got to know me, things were good, she laughed, she cuddled me, cried because I took her sucker thing away because I wanted to give her a cookie. It was a good time..
Then my brother showed up.
He talked and talked and talked, and I swear one day he is going to marry his girlfriend, and then he talked bout baby fever, and can't wait to get out of college, and blah blah blah.. At this time I wasn't paying attention to him anyways.
What my issue is.. what my anxiety was getting at me..
Am I going to be in the wedding party?
Am I actually going to be an Aunt?
Is he going to neglect my Dad as a Grandfather?
Is he going to pick favourites in the family to choose from?
Anyways this was everything that was going through my head when I was trying NOT to listen to his rediculous blubbering.
I know I am not my families favourite.. no one really wants to see me as much as they do him.. I don't have an interesting life as Andrew does.. and honestly I shouldn't let this bother me.. but it does.
I am starting to not give a shit about my family anymore. On my Mums side, and my Dads side.. I only care about the family that means the most to me. I tried to keep in touch with my cousins, but apparently I am just not that type of person I guess..
I want to say I guess I am not that interesting.. but I know I am a very interesting person.
These were just thoughts I wanted to get out of my head.