Have you ever just wanted to someone's one and only? Have you ever felt like you can be someone's last love? Someone's first romance? Or maybe I got that the other way around, you want to be a boys last romance and you want to be they're first love? I can't remember the saying.. but I am pretty sure it goes something like that.
People don't know what I have been going through over these past few months, with being in and out of relationships.. watching my so called "Love" fall for someone else and I am sitting here wondering just is there anything going to happen to me? Well honestly something has happened to me, but my only problem is..
I can't talk about it.
I don't know who reads my journal anymore and this is something that I have to keep quiet, so as far as people need to know without sticking there noses in my personal life, is that I am EXTREMELY happy in my current life event at the moment. That I am l doing good and that no one really needs to bother me and the people that need to know, well, to put it honestly are people who I want to tell. I love all my friends but personally when I told people certain things, well it kinda went bad on me, and that I don't want to happen again. So this time around only certain people will know.. and I am keeping it that way..
Anyways that wasn't the thing that I really wanted to talk about..
The thing that I wanted to talk about is that I am on stress leave from work, that I am on different meds, how my art has been going down the drain, my cosplaying hasn't really been the greatest either, and I feel like I am losing my way on certain things.
I don't want that.. the reason why I took my leave is because I was having high anxiety and high panic attacks either at my work place where no one could do anything about it.. or I was having them on my days off.. when my friend couldn't really do anything either other than try to figure out what started it and what can we do to fix it. Even if there wasn't a solution.. but we tried.
I am on different meds now because I need a change.. my old meds weren't working, so tada!! I am on new ones.. and looks like things are really working out for me. So I am happy that this is working because I don't want to have another person tell me that I need to be on another type of meds.. and that I have to take more time off work because things aren't working. I just want to stop shaking every other day because I am anxious about something. I need to get over that.. I need to stop worrying about things that might or might not happen. Anyways.. in a week things have been looking good. I haven't been panicking or having anxiety.. been mostly trying to get out into some fresh air.. and not worry about things as much. Only thing I am worry about is having no money by the time I go back to work.
Since I have all this free time I need to start getting back into drawing again. Get back into my creative self, because I have all these ideas in my head and I got no where to go with them.. and it upsets me.. and I think its because all my drawing stuff is mostly put away and I don't want that anymore. Its all in my Zelda backpack that I take to my friends houses every time I go to visit.. because I want to show something off or something is not happening.. or maybe I have an idea that I can draw out but that never happens. I would love to draw something out and keep continueing with that idea and keep the idea growing but thats not going to happen anymore. I would love to start my comics and complete them!!
They will live and they will start up and get completed.. it might just not be today or this year but it will work and I will get things completed and done.
I honestly don't know what I am talking about anymore. I had all these things in my head that I wanted to say but all I know is that I am freaking tired and I need to sleep.. so if I have more to say there will be another journal sooner or later.. but all I know is my new meds make me sleepy..
So goodnight DA.