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Hey guys.. I know I haven't been posting things lately.. and there is a reason. Theres nothing really I can post. I don't really know what to say anymore, because I feel like there isn't really alot TO say.. 

This time though I have some things and I don't know if I can keep this in anymore, but oh well. 

I have been having high anxiety attacks since Thursday.. and I don't know when they will go away. I had one at work today and I was sick to my stomach and I just couldn't handle everything that was going on.. I want to constantly cry and what not because I want to succeed in my job but I feel like I am being pushed down and its not nice. I have been told that I have potential and what not but then again I have been told that I haven't. That scares me.. If I cannot see myself going on in one thing.. how can I see myself succeeding in another thing? I don't know anymore.. its getting to a point where I am waking up every day just to live my life, survive my day and go back to bed. 

There are people in my life that are very important people and who I love a lot, and if they are reading this, I mean it. Though sometimes I feel like I haven't been there for you guys and I am starting to understand why you guys haven't really been there for me. I am not asking you to be there for me, but I am asking not to ignore me when I need help.. or just trying to talk because I feel like I am getting to the point in my life where I know I am starting to keep things to myself again and I don't want that. 
I want to talk about things in my life, but its getting to the point where I know thats not going to happen, its like its going to be pulling teeth with me just to get a hint of information out. 

I hate to say this but I hurt myself on Thursday, I haven't hurt myself in a long long time now.. not since I started dating Richard.. and I think I didn't do it because he scared to me to the point where if I did end up hurting myself from my anxiety or depression he would leave me. At that time I didn't want to be alone more than I thought I was. Anyways thats not important, he was my reason I shouldn't, and he was my reason why I didn't, and I still love him for that because he made me realize how strong of a person I can be... but no matter how strong I can be, I still break. I have someone now who loves me, and I know he doesn't want to see me in pain and what not, but when I get bad I feel like there is nothing I can do, and it just happens. I lasted a year, and after I was done I felt great, better than I was before. 

Then thats when the anxiety hits, and thats when the depression sets in.. because I am just being someone who you cannot talk to without being a depressing person and just bringing everyone down. When it comes to my problems I don't want to talk to a lot of people about it.. I don't want to bother people with my problems and start things and what not.. (just realized I need to go to bed but have so more things to say). I feel like I have lost my friends with what is going on, but theres nothing much more than what I have been doing recently. 

I know I don't get alot of praise when all in my life I think I probably just wanted that once.. 
Have the hundred of people like my pictures.. 
Have those dedicated followers who like my cosplay page...
Or just to have tons of people say I am good singer.. 

I feel like this a selfish thing to ask of people, so I pretty much stopped. I don't see a reason to really draw more, sing more, or even cosplay more for people because I am starting to do it for me I guess. Then I get lonely and no one likes what I like, no one wants to cosplay with me.. Even halloween this year I have a friend and he doesn't want to dress up with me. I am not going to ask him to do it with me, I think it would be a cute couple costume, but then again I am not going to ask.. the last time I did a couple costume I ended up with my heart broken for the first time.  I don't want to get crushed again.. so I will be excited for this and just go with it I guess.. 

I have so many things in my head I dont know where to start some days.. 

Honestly DA, I just want to be happy.. I just want to live my life and not worry about things.. but its life.. and it will never be easy.. 

I don't know why this journal was useful... I think it was more just getting things out of my head.. but for now, I guess this will do until I got some more to say. 
I don't really know where to put my thoughts down anymore, without someone seeing it and being worried.

I have to go to bed now, so goodnight DA. 

  • Mood: Hopeless


biohazardmistake's Profile Picture
Artist | Hobbyist | Traditional Art
hey hey everyone!
My name is Jayy
I am turning 21
Female. -looks downs to make sure-
I am 5'7''
One Blue - One Green Eyes
A HUGE nerd.
And I love any form of art.

My profile says I have been on here for two years, and yes I have but there hasn't really been any artwork, until now.
My artwork varies.. it may be crappy, and it may be awesome, but that's all on how you see it.
I express myself a lot through art and not a lot of people see that. I do write down my thoughts in my journal when I can't really draw what or how I am feeling out. Seems easier to me.
Art relaxes me just like music does, depends on what I am listening to influences what I draw.
I am who I am.
Art makes me happy.
Art is life.

I just graduated highschool, and trying to find work.
Art is my hobby, art is my life, I love it to death.
I love meeting new people, so don't be shy, and comment!

Peace! Later!

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are-we-the-waiting Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks a ton for the :+fav:!
biohazardmistake Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
No problem, I love spiderman, so it was awesome! Perfect!
psychopathic-jad Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2012  Student Digital Artist
thanks for the watch :)
SpritelySeamstress Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2012  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
Love the new pics!
MAC-Photographie Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2012  Student Photographer
Thank you so much!
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SpritelySeamstress Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2012  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
Just wanted to say again how much I love your art. I mean, I've always liked it, but some of the new stuff you've posted lately has really surprised me with how dark and interesting it is. Also really like the style of your characters. Totally unique. Keep it up!! :)
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