Hey guys.. I know I haven't been posting things lately.. and there is a reason. Theres nothing really I can post. I don't really know what to say anymore, because I feel like there isn't really alot TO say..
This time though I have some things and I don't know if I can keep this in anymore, but oh well.
I have been having high anxiety attacks since Thursday.. and I don't know when they will go away. I had one at work today and I was sick to my stomach and I just couldn't handle everything that was going on.. I want to constantly cry and what not because I want to succeed in my job but I feel like I am being pushed down and its not nice. I have been told that I have potential and what not but then again I have been told that I haven't. That scares me.. If I cannot see myself going on in one thing.. how can I see myself succeeding in another thing? I don't know anymore.. its getting to a point where I am waking up every day just to live my life, survive my day and go back to bed.
There are people in my life that are very important people and who I love a lot, and if they are reading this, I mean it. Though sometimes I feel like I haven't been there for you guys and I am starting to understand why you guys haven't really been there for me. I am not asking you to be there for me, but I am asking not to ignore me when I need help.. or just trying to talk because I feel like I am getting to the point in my life where I know I am starting to keep things to myself again and I don't want that.
I want to talk about things in my life, but its getting to the point where I know thats not going to happen, its like its going to be pulling teeth with me just to get a hint of information out.
I hate to say this but I hurt myself on Thursday, I haven't hurt myself in a long long time now.. not since I started dating Richard.. and I think I didn't do it because he scared to me to the point where if I did end up hurting myself from my anxiety or depression he would leave me. At that time I didn't want to be alone more than I thought I was. Anyways thats not important, he was my reason I shouldn't, and he was my reason why I didn't, and I still love him for that because he made me realize how strong of a person I can be... but no matter how strong I can be, I still break. I have someone now who loves me, and I know he doesn't want to see me in pain and what not, but when I get bad I feel like there is nothing I can do, and it just happens. I lasted a year, and after I was done I felt great, better than I was before.
Then thats when the anxiety hits, and thats when the depression sets in.. because I am just being someone who you cannot talk to without being a depressing person and just bringing everyone down. When it comes to my problems I don't want to talk to a lot of people about it.. I don't want to bother people with my problems and start things and what not.. (just realized I need to go to bed but have so more things to say). I feel like I have lost my friends with what is going on, but theres nothing much more than what I have been doing recently.
I know I don't get alot of praise when all in my life I think I probably just wanted that once..
Have the hundred of people like my pictures..
Have those dedicated followers who like my cosplay page...
Or just to have tons of people say I am good singer..
I feel like this a selfish thing to ask of people, so I pretty much stopped. I don't see a reason to really draw more, sing more, or even cosplay more for people because I am starting to do it for me I guess. Then I get lonely and no one likes what I like, no one wants to cosplay with me.. Even halloween this year I have a friend and he doesn't want to dress up with me. I am not going to ask him to do it with me, I think it would be a cute couple costume, but then again I am not going to ask.. the last time I did a couple costume I ended up with my heart broken for the first time. I don't want to get crushed again.. so I will be excited for this and just go with it I guess..
I have so many things in my head I dont know where to start some days..
Honestly DA, I just want to be happy.. I just want to live my life and not worry about things.. but its life.. and it will never be easy..
I don't know why this journal was useful... I think it was more just getting things out of my head.. but for now, I guess this will do until I got some more to say.
I don't really know where to put my thoughts down anymore, without someone seeing it and being worried.
I have to go to bed now, so goodnight DA.