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Its about 204 in the morning here where I am writing this.

Not a lot of people know this about me but I am in a relationship, I can't remember if this is something I have said in my last journal. Then again I can't really talk about it because this is something that I normally keep to myself.. but this is getting to the point where I am getting upset and unhappy again. I don't know why this is happening to me because I don't know what I am doing that is so wrong. 

Why was I driven home at 2 in the morning from my boyfriends house. 
Why was I such a mess in the car all the way home? 
Why can't I just have a decent night at his house without having any problems.. 

I just don't know anymore. 

I have all these emotions in me, these thoughts that I just want answers too.. My list can go on forever but there are thoughts that I just can never seem to get out of my head and I bring them up to my boyfriend all the time. 

- Why does someone want to be with me?
- How can someone love someone like me? 
- Whats so special about me?
- What are expectations that you want me to say and full fill? 
- Why can't I get someone to love me long enough to marry?
- Who would want to marry me?
- I am never going to get married, because no one will love me long enough.
- Will I ever have a family of my own? 
- Why doesn't anyone buy me anything? 
- Why can't people see that I am much more than a girl.

Like I said my list can go on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on.. 


It all started today when I told my boyfriend that I was moving out, I am super excited that this is happening to me that I am moving out on my own and I am getting my own room in a house. I am going to be living with 6 other room mates but that doesn't bother me so much anymore. I don't care if I have to share a kitchen and I have to share a bathroom. There are three bathrooms in the house and what not. 
The point was I am finally getting out of my house and into something that could really work for me and that I have a chance to move on in life and can finally live and go out on my own, and the only person I worry about is me and myself. 
I should be happy right? 

Correct, I SHOULD be happy, but the moment I told my boyfriend I started to get upset about certain things and thats when my night started to go down the drain and nothing was going to get better. 
WE ate something, that didn't even help, I took my meds, and then I watched a few episodes of supernatural, then we went to bed. This had to be around 11. 
I started talking to him about expectations and what not, and things were alright for the beginning I believe, not like there was any problems to really talk about.. then I started to get upset about a few things. 

Like how I just wanted to be held tight because I was upset, how maybe my expectations were too high and too unrealistic. 
How I was ranting about how my stepdad would bring home my mother flowers, to show a sign of respect and affection, and honestly true love I guess. I was telling my boyfriend that nothing has happened to me like that in a long long time and instead of expecting that from someone I rather just do it for myself and that was the reasons I got 5 roses tattooed on my back so no matter where I go I will always have flowers. The same year that my roses were tattooed on me, was the year I got my very first roses for Valentines Day.. Then with my ex I got flowers when I came back from Cuba, and roses again for Valentines Day...

Then I started to think that they were all special occasions, never once did someone want to buy me something just because. So all of that started piling up with me, things that started to bother me again. I honestly don't know why this is all happening to me, because I just want my life to be full of happiness and joy. Will that ever happen to me? Maybe one day, maybe I already have it and just don't know it. 

I have to stop thinking about negative things in my life and start thinking about all the positive. I remember complaining on the car ride back to my house that I was so upset about the fact that I have a promise ring, but I can't wear it. I can't show it off to people, so how am I suppose to show people that I am happy, or that I am taken. That I am someone's and not something to hit on, or just stare at because everyone thinks I am single still. No one knows that life decided for me to fall in love again, because life happens. 

No one knows that I have been really happy since July. for 4 months people think I have been single, well life, I am not single, I am taken. I remember complaining in the car ride home that I feel like things are a secret, like I am secret, that my ring is just a secret I keep hidden around my neck. 

That's when my boyfriend turned to me and pretty much with a raised voice told me... "Cause I don't want to share you with ANYONE!" 
I really didn't know he felt that about me. I guess I don't know a lot anymore. 
Thinking this is getting to the point in time where I need to sit down with him and just talk about life. Just talk about us and hopefully see where things go. I don't know where there going to end up. I hate the fact that we had to leave each alone tonight when I remember begging him that I wanted to stay and that I didn't want to go. He was saying that it was hurting him as well that he had to drive me home so late at night. 
Then again, he did admit he was going to be crying on the way home. 

I really hope he is okay. 
I Love him, I really do. 

Goodnight DA. 

- Bio
  • Mood: Hopeless
Have you ever just wanted to someone's one and only? Have you ever felt like you can be someone's last love? Someone's first romance? Or maybe I got that the other way around, you want to be a boys last romance and you want to be they're first love? I can't remember the saying.. but I am pretty sure it goes something like that. 

People don't know what I have been going through over these past few months, with being in and out of relationships.. watching my so called "Love" fall for someone else and I am sitting here wondering just is there anything going to happen to me? Well honestly something has happened to me, but my only problem is..

I can't talk about it. 

I don't know who reads my journal anymore and this is something that I have to keep quiet, so as far as people need to know without sticking there noses in my personal life, is that I am EXTREMELY happy in my current life event at the moment. That I am l doing good and that no one really needs to bother me and the people that need to know, well, to put it honestly are people who I want to tell. I love all my friends but personally when I told people certain things, well it kinda went bad on me, and that I don't want to happen again. So this time around only certain people will know.. and I am keeping it that way.. 

Anyways that wasn't the thing that I really wanted to talk about.. 
The thing that I wanted to talk about is that I am on stress leave from work, that I am on different meds, how my art has been going down the drain, my cosplaying hasn't really been the greatest either, and I feel like I am losing my way on certain things. 
I don't want that.. the reason why I took my leave is because I was having high anxiety and high panic attacks either at my work place where no one could do anything about it.. or I was having them on my days off.. when my friend couldn't really do anything either other than try to figure out what started it and what can we do to fix it. Even if there wasn't a solution.. but we tried. 

I am on different meds now because I need a change.. my old meds weren't working, so tada!! I am on new ones.. and looks like things are really working out for me. So I am happy that this is working because I don't want to have another person tell me that I need to be on another type of meds.. and that I have to take more time off work because things aren't working. I just want to stop shaking every other day because I am anxious about something. I need to get over that.. I need to stop worrying about things that might or might not happen. Anyways.. in a week things have been looking good. I haven't been panicking or having anxiety.. been mostly trying to get out into some fresh air.. and not worry about things as much. Only thing I am worry about is having no money by the time I go back to work. 

Since I have all this free time I need to start getting back into drawing again. Get back into my creative self, because I have all these ideas in my head and I got no where to go with them.. and it upsets me.. and I think its because all my drawing stuff is mostly put away and I don't want that anymore. Its all in my Zelda backpack that I take to my friends houses every time I go to visit.. because I want to show something off or something is not happening.. or maybe I have an idea that I can draw out but that never happens. I would love to draw something out and keep continueing with that idea and keep the idea growing but thats not going to happen anymore. I would love to start my comics and complete them!! 
They will live and they will start up and get completed.. it might just not be today or this year but it will work and I will get things completed and done. 

I honestly don't know what I am talking about anymore. I had all these things in my head that I wanted to say but all I know is that I am freaking tired and I need to sleep.. so if I have more to say there will be another journal sooner or later.. but all I know is my new meds make me sleepy.. 

So goodnight DA.

-Bio
  • Mood: Hopeless
Hey guys.. I know I haven't been posting things lately.. and there is a reason. Theres nothing really I can post. I don't really know what to say anymore, because I feel like there isn't really alot TO say.. 

This time though I have some things and I don't know if I can keep this in anymore, but oh well. 

I have been having high anxiety attacks since Thursday.. and I don't know when they will go away. I had one at work today and I was sick to my stomach and I just couldn't handle everything that was going on.. I want to constantly cry and what not because I want to succeed in my job but I feel like I am being pushed down and its not nice. I have been told that I have potential and what not but then again I have been told that I haven't. That scares me.. If I cannot see myself going on in one thing.. how can I see myself succeeding in another thing? I don't know anymore.. its getting to a point where I am waking up every day just to live my life, survive my day and go back to bed. 

There are people in my life that are very important people and who I love a lot, and if they are reading this, I mean it. Though sometimes I feel like I haven't been there for you guys and I am starting to understand why you guys haven't really been there for me. I am not asking you to be there for me, but I am asking not to ignore me when I need help.. or just trying to talk because I feel like I am getting to the point in my life where I know I am starting to keep things to myself again and I don't want that. 
I want to talk about things in my life, but its getting to the point where I know thats not going to happen, its like its going to be pulling teeth with me just to get a hint of information out. 

I hate to say this but I hurt myself on Thursday, I haven't hurt myself in a long long time now.. not since I started dating Richard.. and I think I didn't do it because he scared to me to the point where if I did end up hurting myself from my anxiety or depression he would leave me. At that time I didn't want to be alone more than I thought I was. Anyways thats not important, he was my reason I shouldn't, and he was my reason why I didn't, and I still love him for that because he made me realize how strong of a person I can be... but no matter how strong I can be, I still break. I have someone now who loves me, and I know he doesn't want to see me in pain and what not, but when I get bad I feel like there is nothing I can do, and it just happens. I lasted a year, and after I was done I felt great, better than I was before. 

Then thats when the anxiety hits, and thats when the depression sets in.. because I am just being someone who you cannot talk to without being a depressing person and just bringing everyone down. When it comes to my problems I don't want to talk to a lot of people about it.. I don't want to bother people with my problems and start things and what not.. (just realized I need to go to bed but have so more things to say). I feel like I have lost my friends with what is going on, but theres nothing much more than what I have been doing recently. 


I know I don't get alot of praise when all in my life I think I probably just wanted that once.. 
Have the hundred of people like my pictures.. 
Have those dedicated followers who like my cosplay page...
Or just to have tons of people say I am good singer.. 



I feel like this a selfish thing to ask of people, so I pretty much stopped. I don't see a reason to really draw more, sing more, or even cosplay more for people because I am starting to do it for me I guess. Then I get lonely and no one likes what I like, no one wants to cosplay with me.. Even halloween this year I have a friend and he doesn't want to dress up with me. I am not going to ask him to do it with me, I think it would be a cute couple costume, but then again I am not going to ask.. the last time I did a couple costume I ended up with my heart broken for the first time.  I don't want to get crushed again.. so I will be excited for this and just go with it I guess.. 

I have so many things in my head I dont know where to start some days.. 

Honestly DA, I just want to be happy.. I just want to live my life and not worry about things.. but its life.. and it will never be easy.. 

I don't know why this journal was useful... I think it was more just getting things out of my head.. but for now, I guess this will do until I got some more to say. 
I don't really know where to put my thoughts down anymore, without someone seeing it and being worried.

I have to go to bed now, so goodnight DA. 

-Bio
  • Mood: Hopeless
Its about 204 in the morning here where I am writing this.

Not a lot of people know this about me but I am in a relationship, I can't remember if this is something I have said in my last journal. Then again I can't really talk about it because this is something that I normally keep to myself.. but this is getting to the point where I am getting upset and unhappy again. I don't know why this is happening to me because I don't know what I am doing that is so wrong. 

Why was I driven home at 2 in the morning from my boyfriends house. 
Why was I such a mess in the car all the way home? 
Why can't I just have a decent night at his house without having any problems.. 

I just don't know anymore. 

I have all these emotions in me, these thoughts that I just want answers too.. My list can go on forever but there are thoughts that I just can never seem to get out of my head and I bring them up to my boyfriend all the time. 

- Why does someone want to be with me?
- How can someone love someone like me? 
- Whats so special about me?
- What are expectations that you want me to say and full fill? 
- Why can't I get someone to love me long enough to marry?
- Who would want to marry me?
- I am never going to get married, because no one will love me long enough.
- Will I ever have a family of my own? 
- Why doesn't anyone buy me anything? 
- Why can't people see that I am much more than a girl.

Like I said my list can go on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on.. 


It all started today when I told my boyfriend that I was moving out, I am super excited that this is happening to me that I am moving out on my own and I am getting my own room in a house. I am going to be living with 6 other room mates but that doesn't bother me so much anymore. I don't care if I have to share a kitchen and I have to share a bathroom. There are three bathrooms in the house and what not. 
The point was I am finally getting out of my house and into something that could really work for me and that I have a chance to move on in life and can finally live and go out on my own, and the only person I worry about is me and myself. 
I should be happy right? 

Correct, I SHOULD be happy, but the moment I told my boyfriend I started to get upset about certain things and thats when my night started to go down the drain and nothing was going to get better. 
WE ate something, that didn't even help, I took my meds, and then I watched a few episodes of supernatural, then we went to bed. This had to be around 11. 
I started talking to him about expectations and what not, and things were alright for the beginning I believe, not like there was any problems to really talk about.. then I started to get upset about a few things. 

Like how I just wanted to be held tight because I was upset, how maybe my expectations were too high and too unrealistic. 
How I was ranting about how my stepdad would bring home my mother flowers, to show a sign of respect and affection, and honestly true love I guess. I was telling my boyfriend that nothing has happened to me like that in a long long time and instead of expecting that from someone I rather just do it for myself and that was the reasons I got 5 roses tattooed on my back so no matter where I go I will always have flowers. The same year that my roses were tattooed on me, was the year I got my very first roses for Valentines Day.. Then with my ex I got flowers when I came back from Cuba, and roses again for Valentines Day...

Then I started to think that they were all special occasions, never once did someone want to buy me something just because. So all of that started piling up with me, things that started to bother me again. I honestly don't know why this is all happening to me, because I just want my life to be full of happiness and joy. Will that ever happen to me? Maybe one day, maybe I already have it and just don't know it. 

I have to stop thinking about negative things in my life and start thinking about all the positive. I remember complaining on the car ride back to my house that I was so upset about the fact that I have a promise ring, but I can't wear it. I can't show it off to people, so how am I suppose to show people that I am happy, or that I am taken. That I am someone's and not something to hit on, or just stare at because everyone thinks I am single still. No one knows that life decided for me to fall in love again, because life happens. 

No one knows that I have been really happy since July. for 4 months people think I have been single, well life, I am not single, I am taken. I remember complaining in the car ride home that I feel like things are a secret, like I am secret, that my ring is just a secret I keep hidden around my neck. 

That's when my boyfriend turned to me and pretty much with a raised voice told me... "Cause I don't want to share you with ANYONE!" 
I really didn't know he felt that about me. I guess I don't know a lot anymore. 
Thinking this is getting to the point in time where I need to sit down with him and just talk about life. Just talk about us and hopefully see where things go. I don't know where there going to end up. I hate the fact that we had to leave each alone tonight when I remember begging him that I wanted to stay and that I didn't want to go. He was saying that it was hurting him as well that he had to drive me home so late at night. 
Then again, he did admit he was going to be crying on the way home. 

I really hope he is okay. 
I Love him, I really do. 

Goodnight DA. 

- Bio
  • Mood: Hopeless

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biohazardmistake's Profile Picture
biohazardmistake
Jordan
Artist | Hobbyist | Traditional Art
Canada
hey hey everyone!
My name is Jayy
I am turning 23
Female. -looks downs to make sure-
I am 5'7''
One Blue - One Green Eyes
A HUGE nerd.
And I love any form of art.


My artwork varies.. it may be crappy, and it may be awesome, but that's all on how you see it.
I express myself a lot through art and not a lot of people see that. I do write down my thoughts in my journal when I can't really draw what or how I am feeling out. Seems easier to me.
Art relaxes me just like music does, depends on what I am listening to influences what I draw.
I am who I am.
Art makes me happy.
Art is life.

Art is my hobby, art is my life, I love it to death.
I love meeting new people, so don't be shy, and comment!

Peace! Later!
Jayy
:icondonotuseplz::iconmyartplz:
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are-we-the-waiting Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks a ton for the :+fav:!
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:iconbiohazardmistake:
biohazardmistake Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
No problem, I love spiderman, so it was awesome! Perfect!
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:iconpsychopathic-jad:
psychopathic-jad Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2012  Student Digital Artist
thanks for the watch :)
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:iconspritelyseamstress:
SpritelySeamstress Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2012  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
Love the new pics!
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:iconmac-photographie:
MAC-Photographie Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2012  Student Photographer
Thank you so much!
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:iconspritelyseamstress:
SpritelySeamstress Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2012  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
Just wanted to say again how much I love your art. I mean, I've always liked it, but some of the new stuff you've posted lately has really surprised me with how dark and interesting it is. Also really like the style of your characters. Totally unique. Keep it up!! :)
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