I know he's going to think about this after..
But there are too many things on my mind about this subject that I would like to get out.
I just don't know what people are going to think about me anymore after this.
I don't know if my boyfriend still want to talk to me after this, dunno if he will stop loving me after this because I am not sure anymore.
Do I REALLY know what love is?
Do I REALLY know how to feel it?
How can I recognize it and experience it?
I am not sure anymore..
Ever since I can remember I have always hated love. I have hated the fact that all of my friends were having it except for me. I have had to watch them be in relationships in high school as I sit back and watch the love going around the dank little hallway that I use to sit in for lunch everyday. I have had to watch my parents love each other and then split.. I have had to be apart of my friends doing the same thing.. Love each other and then just split..
Maybe that is what I am afraid of.. I have only loved three people in my life.
One of them treated me terrible that I eventually stopped loving him, because how can you love someone who treats you like absolute shit and get away with it, and leaves you so broken in pieces that you, yourself don't know how to put the pieces back together anymore. That they are too small to even recognize the shapes and sizes, then you have realized that there are pieces you have missed and they are gone forever.
So now it feels like you are just an empty shell.
You don't know what can fill you up anymore, you don't know what to do with yourself.
The second one literally loved me, but I felt like it was a fake love, it felt like nothing was real, he pulled at my heart and kept on pulling until he destroyed my look on love once again, leaving me to pick up my own pieces.
Honestly I am trying not to cry while I type this, I don't know why I should cry about anything.
I don't see a point..
All I can see right now is a boyfriend who really loves me and wants to be with me. Someone who apparently actually cares about a fuck up like myself. Who wouldn't mind picking up the pieces with me, instead of standing there waiting for me to be finished.
Someone to hug me so tight that the pieces might just crack back into place, but scared that those cracks will break some more.
Like I said I don't know what to think anymore..
Maybe I shouldn't be in this relationship.. Is 6 months to late to give up? To just end it!?
Because there are many things I think he doesn't deserve from me..
He drives me everywhere.. I don't even have my license yet..
He just made me lunch yesterday... I was honestly ready to starve.
Even though he doesn't really surprise me at work.... I still get him a coffee or a tea when I see him at his work..
He buys me things.. I am the most broke person in the world.
He makes me smile... I don't even know how to really make him smile.
I don't know how to do a lot of things. I feel like I am the biggest waste of space in his life, and I don't know why he loves me anymore I don't.. I honestly don't.
IF YOU ARE READING THIS DO YOU WANT ME TO MAKE A FUCKING LIST!!
Like you will read this.. -tears up-
You want to be with me, pick me out of everyone else in this world.
I make you happy. Do I really?
You like me because of my personality.
The fact that I am different?
That I make you smile for no reason?
IS THAT FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH!? CAUSE I DONT KNOW ANYMORE!
-sits on the ground with my face in my hands-
He says to me all the time that he doesn't have to reassure me about why he loves me and why he needs to be with me, like I don't need to hear it. I have a memory loss problem and I like to hear it from him..
He doesn't understand that hearing it from him makes me happy.
Just knowing the reasons why makes me the happiest I can be, because I know those are the reasons why he loves me.
I have my reasons why I love him, and I have told him that many of times as well.
I don't know what I am saying, why the FUCK would I give up on something that has happened to me.
THE BEST thing that has happened to me.
I honestly don't see a reason behind writing this journal again.
But something had to be said I guess?
Things are going to be okay..